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Results of My Last Year Sitting At The Computer
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I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on
the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.
Choir Car Wash
The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign,
CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed!
GOD IS LIKE.........
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him.
Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His
appointed destination.
If You Gotta Go, Start Early
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church
group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground
was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So,
she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode" Once written down she still was not
comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote,
"does your campground have its own "B.C.?"When the campground owner received the letter, he
couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom
suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the
paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees.
I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased
to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of
each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good,
so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met
her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes
in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.
It's been a good six months since she last went.It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could
accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.
Oldschool
02-19-2009, 08:07 AM
lol!!!
All I Need is a Miracle
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a
genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing,
low wages in third-world countries and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."
The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been
trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with
my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, rich, super
handsome, a great lover and is completely faithful and won't
even think about another woman. That's what I wish for. A good
mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,
"Let me see that map again."
After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the
kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out,
"Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or
sisters who will be coming to school."
The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an
interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the
only child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:
** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in
his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about
various chain saws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to
himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,
removes the chain saw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it
looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chain saw, to which the man responds,
"What's that noise?
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to
a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
On break from college, this guy goes to visit his grandmother
and he brings a friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
chomping away at the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and
finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"I'm sorry that I ate all of your peanuts Granny."
Granny replies, "That's Ok, I'm glad you enjoyed them sonny...
since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em!"
***NOT LAUGHING CAN HURT YOU***
A man tried to keep from laughing when a woman released a
"gasser" during a eulogy at a funeral. He held his breath
which caused him to pass out...fall off his chair...and bang
his head on the floor. Ambulance attendants interrupted the
solemn ceremony as they rushed in to whisk the man to the
hospital.
So learn to laugh more. . .
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Oldschool
12-06-2009, 10:46 AM
lol!!!
Washing Clothes Recipe
======================
Washing Clothes Recipe
Imagine having a recipe for this!
Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the
following recipe:
This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook
with spelling errors and all.
WASHING CLOTHES
Build far in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so
smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.
Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bawlin water.
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work dark britches and rags.
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin
down with boiling water.
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and
bawl, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench,
and starch.
Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy
water. Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew up a
cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.
Holy Shot!
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Oldschool
12-15-2009, 10:27 AM
lol, good punishment!
The Bible: According to Kids
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
two little boys
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman
in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in
the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we
did it!"
THE LORD AND A WOOD CUTTER
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above the river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared andasked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen intowater. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went
down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutterreplied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, you will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason.
Troubled Bishop
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS’ The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: ‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’ This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00’ This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: ‘NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE’. The Bishop was buried the next day.
Ride To The Airport
====================
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.When the trooper saw who it was, he said,"Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"The trooper said, "No, even more important.""It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief."No, even more important," replied the trooper."It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus,because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British. Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.
Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Condoms Can Prevent Disease
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and
in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?""I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Four Weeks
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?" Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
Giving up your sex life
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.""Nice to meet you," says the golfer."My name's Father O'Malley."
God Will Save Me!
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us." The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them. The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again. An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them. Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again. Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "You idiot,
I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
Go with God!
One day a manager of a sales company is interviewing a man who wants to become an employee in the business. The manager is a
proud owner of a business that has been selling Bibles successfully for 20 years. The owner receives the next guy intothe office and the interview begins. Manager: Hello, I am the manager to Bibles Inc. Who are you and why I should hire you?Guy: M-m-m-y-y n-n-name i-i-i-i-is-s-s F-r-r-r-r-e-e-e-d. I-i-i-i-i kn-kn-know I-i-i-i-i Stu-stu-stu-stu-tter al-al-al-alot bu-bu-but pl-pl-pl-please ju-ju-ju-just gi-gi-give me a-a-a ch-ch-ch-chance.The Manager knew that this man would be just horrible at this task in fact he himself felt uncomfortable in Fred's presence wanting nearly to get rid of the man. So he thought of a way to let Fred down without feeling too much guilt. The manager thought and thought and finally gave in saying:"Okay I'll give you one chance" Fred went off with a dozen Bibles (twice as much as the average salesman sells) with an air of confidence around him. The manager looked on as Fred went on thinking "poor kid."That night Fred returns and the manager promptly asks him how it went. Fred beams and shows that every bible is gone. The manager now with a look of astonishment on his face assumes that they must have all been stolen. When he asks Fred if they had been stolen, Fred shakes his head in a negative response. The manager realizes that they must have ALL been sold. Astounded, the Manager asks:"How in the Hell did you sell all these Bibles?" Fred: "We-we-we-we-well I-i-i-i t-t-t-told th-th-themth-th-th-that if th-th-they did not wa-wa-want to buy an-an-an-any. I-i-i-i cou-cou-cou-could re-re-read it t-t-to th-th-them.
Honk if you Love Jesus!
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go,Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
PARROTS OF PRAYER
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Special Horse
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".
Water or Wine
A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking.
Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking."
Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"
A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.
Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."
Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."
Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."
The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again.This is not water. It is wine.”
Lawyer: "Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine
Father OFlannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peters gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?. The man responds My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord. St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks What is your name and what did you accomplish? He responds, Im Father OFlannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord. Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter. Wait a minute, says OFlannagan, You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?. Well, St. Peter replied, We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!
Concerned Mom
A little boy walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered, "I am trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."
Grilled Cheese
Grilled Cheese
===============
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the
table - Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She
says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"
He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese
sandwiches."
He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have bread, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
This kid is four years old!
The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix
you a grilled cheese sandwich."
She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the
chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to
ask you, though, what you want to drink."
He says, "I'll have a milkshake."
She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told
you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this
time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have
ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."
He says, "You have a car, don't you?"
Boat Race
==========
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was
hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective
action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,
the consultants concluded that too many people were steering
and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day
neared again the following year, the American team's management
structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new
performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance
and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Joining the Church
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Oldschool
07-12-2010, 11:15 AM
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
Lmao.........................
Oldschool
07-13-2010, 11:39 AM
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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