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Choir Car Wash
The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign,
CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed!
GOD IS LIKE.........
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him.
Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His
appointed destination.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Oldschool
11-11-2008, 11:17 PM
lol, a very thankful bear :)
and Man Gained Pounds
======================
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created fast food. And fast food brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate,
nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and
shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak in the restaurant so
big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his
bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God
brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the
potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said,
"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs...
Absolute Governmental Authority
=====================
A U.S. Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch
and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your
water allocation."The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?" The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the
fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water
Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately
threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
Ride To The Airport
====================
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast
and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could
drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a
choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took
the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his
rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said,
"Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I
need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure
but I think it might be Jesus,
because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
PARROTS OF PRAYER
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Oldschool
11-16-2008, 09:55 AM
lol!!!
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to
the holy site. She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing!
What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a Damn' wall."
two little boys
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we
did it!"
Oldschool
11-17-2008, 06:37 AM
lol, I remember that one!!!
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to College, but about 1/3 of the way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe the
wonders that modern Education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program
here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this –
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to
teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog
can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father meets him at the gate, and
is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left
to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room laid back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still
messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son-of- a-*^%$# before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
No Mushrooms
=============
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize and play
games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet
wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom- smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of
those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I see
varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,
syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said,
'You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
Laugh of The Day:
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his
cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined
and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."
"Oh My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Dust?
======
A visiting minister eloquently prayed during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a serious
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over
to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"
Ten Dollars
============
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
In The Service
One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"
Donations
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be
swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they
would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
'Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?' cried the Benny. 'We're going to die on this
lonely island. We'll never be discovered here.' 'Sit down and listen to what I have to say,
Benny,' began the confident Dr. Eskin. 'Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000. and
another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago.
And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000.
to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars.'
'So what?' shouted Benny. 'Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're
going to find me,' smiled Dr. Eskin.
Creation or Evolution?
=======================
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we
developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told
you about his side.
Music Lovers
=============
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to
Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him.
"You're angry about something."
"Oh really?" You noticed?" He sneered.
"I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island?
Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go to Coney Island?"
Sixth Grade Research
=====================
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a
wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on
Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder
and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know
him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and
went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and said, "It's damned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her and she
ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining
the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder
and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the
sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's damned cold in
here!" And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and
explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the
owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing
him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure
enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in here!" Without any
hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on
her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty windy, too!"
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.
After the job was completed the boss returned and explained
an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.
"Fill the hole back up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole
without leaving a mound on top.
He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days!
There's obviously only one thing to do.
You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do,
so for the next four months he ate bananas,
drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his
gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out
of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen.
She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come
from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she
said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't
know anyone else had survived.
How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up;
nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple,"
replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man.
"You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that
was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the
island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he
confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few
minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly
woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but
I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he
said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her
couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip I into something comfortable. Would you like to
take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in
the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into
the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines –
strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time.
You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake
~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen.
He's in with the cows.
Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says,
"Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the buzzards in the sky and say's,
"Shhh. They're getting closer...."
If You Gotta Go, Start Early
=============================
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church
group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground
was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So,
she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode" Once written down she still was not
comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote,
"does your campground have its own "B.C.?"When the campground owner received the letter, he
couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom
suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the
paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees.
I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased
to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of
each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good,
so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met
her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes
in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.
It's been a good six months since she last went.It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could
accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and
Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls
=====================
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in
the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For
those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption,
imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing
about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will
only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to
my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss
on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I
should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him
of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for
several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost
of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue
AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended
family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most
of the time. I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my
famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did
attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven
hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole
darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the
decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.
Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor.
Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint
#586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the
living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I
decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.. An hour
later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the
pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I
called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.
He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination
of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up
in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks
were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK,
however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the
rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would
like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.
Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was
black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him
onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be
all better by morning was very stupid on my part.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog
out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a
sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling
flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his
front half was going one direction and the other half was either
dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee
at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our
back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running
into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as
a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet
(second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast
had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He
assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it
would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him
Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded
him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of
Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly
secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from
the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I,
we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs
burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of
risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were
pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in
a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of
it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked
rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We
endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't
live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the
door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving
meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all
morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my
drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest
endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as
the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was
no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12
risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a
concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system
is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a
mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having
discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up
in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part.. The blast of
water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on
the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like
Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried
to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going
to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a
coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if
this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state
had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the
garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him
home and dropped him off before we left for our second
Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to
report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both
in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer
tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy
to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast
rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of
them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad
idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to:
"How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."
And how was your day?
~Author Unknown~
Oldschool
03-08-2009, 01:16 PM
lol, great story!!!
The Elevator
=============
A back country family is visiting a big city for the first
time. The mother and daughter are in the hotel lobby when they
spot an elevator.
"What's that, Maw?" the girl asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life," replied
the mother.
Seconds later an old frail man walks in the hotel door and
hobbles to the elevator. He presses the button with his cane,
waits for the doors to open, and gets in.
The mother and daughter, still amazed by this contraption,
continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a
spry and handsome 20-year-old muscular young man.
The mother looks at her daughter and says, "Go get your Paw!"
The Ultimate Excuse
====================
Need a good excuse for Thursday morning after missing Monday,
Tuesday, and Wednesday?
The Ultimate Excuse
"Look, it wasn't my fault, I was really ill with 'flu,
I'd lost my voice and had a raging temperature, but I was
determined to go to my grandmother's funeral, yes, she was my
step-grandmother, that's why I've been to the funerals of three
grandmothers, and when I was getting ready I suddenly realized
that I had an appointment with the dentist at the same time,
well obviously I had to call and cancel it, but when I picked up
the phone the line was dead, so I went to use a neighbor's phone
to report the fault, and found that I'd locked myself out of the
house and I was only wearing my dressing gown, but luckily I'd
left a window open on the first floor and there was a builder
working nearby, so I borrowed his ladder and climbed up,
but unfortunately I fell off and found myself lying in a pool of
water with a searing pain in my leg, but the builder had been
watching and put me in his van to go to casualty at the hospital
and after waiting five hours I was told I had a hairline
fracture of the ankle, which was strapped up and I got a taxi
back home, only to remember I had no money on me and I couldn't
get into the house, but the driver was quite accommodating,
really, and helped me break down the front door, but while I was
upstairs changing, someone walked in through the broken door and
emptied my house of its valuables, so the police came and took
details, then insisted I accompany them to the nick as I fitted
the description of a man they were looking for in connection
with a car crime in the area, but after twelve hours I was
returned home and as it was now seven in the morning, I thought
I'd come straight to work, but the bus was late and then there
was a bomb scare in the city center, so I had to walk, well,
limp really.
Which is why you haven't seen me for three days."
Notice that excuse is all one sentence.
If you use it, make sure that you memorize it well because you
need to say it fast to keep your boss from interrupting with
questions.
Of course this is a joke.
I have to make sure to make that clear or else someone will show
up for work on Thursday and say. . .
"Look, it wasn't my fault. . ."
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